I’ve had a Vol 12 doc sitting in my Google Drive folder for awhile. Someday I will get back to it and my usual fun recommendations for TV shows and movies. For now though, I have a special entry that I need to write as I sit in a hospital room with my ma for the fourth time in just under one month.

We’ve visited three ERs and hospitals since January 16th in both California and Arizona. Neither of us set out to make 2025 a big year of change but it’s turned into that, for better or worse. It felt like for the better until the last few days and this most recent hospital stay. 

For over thirty years, my ma hasn’t seen a doctor’s office or hospital for her own care and now is making up for lost time. She sadly didn’t keep up with regular check-ups and her health has taken a big decline in recent years. I have pleaded with her to see doctors and even have gone as far as to make appointments, only for her to stubbornly make me cancel them. In hindsight I should have not taken no for an answer but I really wanted her to care to seek help as much as I wanted her to receive it.

She spoke regularly of not wanting to be a burden only for me to then tell her she was being a huge burden by not taking care of herself and not letting me help her.

So here we are now, at Chandler Regional, for the toughest days she’s experienced so far.

She’s suffering from Chronic Leukemia, Congestive Heart Failure, some crazy painful wounds that a primary care doc was finally able to tell us what they were called and why they even happened and now a side fracture and head-to-toe sore body and pain from a scooter fall earlier this week. 

The hardest part is watching her decline in the last few days since she was pretty hopeful as of just last Thursday when she was discharged from a Colton, CA hospital and we drove home to Arizona, a move I’d been wanting her to make for over twenty years, after my pop passed away from throat cancer in 2003. That hospital had helped us with everything but the scooter fall and we were on a path to better days. Days that included her living with us and then hopefully by us with some assisted care, seeing her granddaughter graduate from high school in May and other fun family things that got her active again. She’d spent the better part of two years at home alone, not facing any of her increasingly evident medical problems. 

Ironically her recent scooter fall unearthed more problems than even the fall, underlying problems that she had been downplaying quite a bit and the heart failure has intensified too.

As much as I love my ma I am filled with anger and sadness for what has happened. Most of her medical problems are self inflicted or at the very least could have been more preventable or maintained and I can’t for the life of me understand why she was ok with suffering for literal years and not seeking any help. Her stubbornness and independence to live life on her own terms and not “burden anyone” turned out to be the worst route to take. And, I really don’t know if she’s even accepted that reality or is just angry with me for finally taking her down what she likely thinks is this unwanted hospital ridden path of pain. 

What I do know is that some therapist is really going to enjoy taking some of my hard-earned dollars very soon. I used to see a therapist when my pop passed away so it’s been awhile and it’s time to saddle up again.

As hopeless as right now feels while writing this, I do still hold out some hope that my ma’s health improves and she’s able to move on from this current hospital to a skilled nursing facility and rehabilitation center. I’m really hopeful she hasn’t given up because I haven’t given up on her.